Recognizing the parasite

On Thursday I was honored to speak to the Seattle girls of Leather about signs of abuse in dominant/submissive relationships. Drawing on my own experience decades I ago, I began by stating that-

"Dominant does not mean selfish."

I noticed immediately that everyone acknowledged the veracity of my statement. Heads nodded in approval. However, I know from my travels many do not agree. Many dominant types seem to think that they should be waited upon with little reciprocal service, as if just being in their presence is enough reason for their submissive mates to bow and fetch. This idea is not only utter bullshit, it portends the end of these relationships.

In nature symbiosis guarantees the continuance of both species. Both species do something for the other. Both species flourish. 

Parasitism, on the other hand, includes an obvious end. The relationship between the species will come to an obvious end because one will grow weak and usually die. The end. 

Within the context of dominant/submissive relationship model, a symbiotic relationship exists when a dominant person provides a service to the submissive person, and the submissive person provides a service to the dominant person. This relationship is considered to be healthy because both profit from the interaction. This equal exchange of services we often refer to as an exchange of "power."

A parasitic dominant/submissive relationship usually comes to an abrupt end, often with unnecessary drama and  actual injury. One draws the life from the other, that other agreeing either tacitly or through poor negotiation.

At this juncture I believe that it is important that we recognize that parasitism can operate both ways. The dominant can feed off of the submissive person. Reversing the action, the submissive person can feed off of the dominant one. This is not uncommon when the boy or girl regards the dominant as more of an object than a person, someone who exists without emotional needs. The submissive expects to be guided and protected without thought to the needs of the dominant. Not uncommon in Daddy/boy relationships.

We must remember that in spite of the unique nature of our bonds outside of the hegemonic model, principles of mental health continue to exist in Leather and kink. A dysfunctional relationship is a dysfunctional relationship, whether it is between a husband and wife, two lovers, or between a dominant person and a submissive person.